Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Don't Tug on Superman's Cape

One night I had a DUI stopped in the parking lot of a convenience store. This was one of those occasional stops where the person pretends they don't see that big squad car behind them with the all the bright, whirling lights going. I think they must be thinking that if they ignore me, I'll go away.

This guy exits his car and makes a beeline for the store like I'm not there. Once I catch up to him and determine that he's totally plastered, I try to get him into the back seat of my car. He doesn't want to go, and we wind up in something of a stalemate: I have him pinned to the side of my squad car, but every time I try to stuff him in the back he tries to fight me.

I manage to radio for back-up, and shortly thereafter one of our guys shows up. Now, Chris is rather on the large side. Way on the large side, in fact. NFL lineman plus 30 pounds on the large side. He comes lumbering across the parking lot with a smile on his face, and asks, "Whattsa matter, man, you can't get 'im in your car?" I reply in the negative.

Now, understand I have all I can handle at this point. I'm straining to keep this guy shoved up against the side of my car. And although I'm an average-sized guy and in pretty good shape, there's no way I can get him in the back by myself. Chris snatches this guy up by the collar, rips him off the side of my car - almost dumping me on my ass in the process - then picks the guy up and throws him into my back seat like a sack of dirty laundry. Chris dusts of his hands and walks off toward his squad. He says over his shoulder, "There ya' go, bud", and drives off.

I wanna be like Chris when I grow up.

1 comment:

ZerCool said...


We had a foot chase one night when I was working ... Dirtbag allegedly kidnapped his alleged romantic interest allegedly at gunpoint and allegedly had her in the back of his alleged van in an allegedly less-traveled area... until an investigator in an unmarked happened to find him. He fled on foot into the nearby swamp, investigator let him run with the shift sergeant and a couple deputies hot on his heels.

At one point in the pursuit came this particular piece of traffic:
"Sergeant to dispatch, we're still in *pant* pursuit in the swamp behind Main St, Deputy Doe is in the lead - SLOW DOWN YOU GODDAMN SASQUATCH - ahh one detained."

Much like I'm imagining Chris, Deputy Sasquatch had a habit of benchpressing Volkswagens on his days off.