Friday, August 1, 2014

Yet Another Satisfied Customer

Mr. Etoh: (falling-down drunk) "I gave my ID to some cop last night, and I want it back right now."

Officer Cynical: "Well, I wasn't working last night, so I don't have it."

Mr. Etoh: "You fucking guys - you're the same everywhere I go. I want my ID back right-fucking-now."

Officer Cynical: (checks with dispatch to find out who dealt with Mr. Etoh the night before) "OK, here's the name of the officer you talked to last night. He works tonight, so call him then and see if he has your ID."

Mr. Etoh: "You gotta be fucking kidding me. You motherfuckers are all alike. I gotta have that ID right now."

Officer Cynical: "Well, I don't have your ID. That officer might. You're going to have to call him tonight and see. That's the best I can do for you."

Mr. Etoh: "Goddammit, I hate you fucking guys. I hate cops. I hate every cop I ever dealt with. You're all alike and you think you're better than me."

Officer Sarcasm: (steps in between Etoh and me) "OK, how about this - you either shut the fuck up and walk away, or I'm taking you to jail right now."

Mr. Etoh: (makes big display of how exasperated he is) "Fuck you guys. I'm going home."

Officer Cynical: "Good choice."

Thursday, July 31, 2014


Today, Mrs. Cynical went to a pedicure joint (I don't know what those are called. Toenail palaces?). Anyway, she left the house with just the name of the business (Nails-R-Us? We Be Nails?) and an address. Lo and behold, it was a Walmart. They actually had a toenail palace inside a Walmart. After a few moments hesitation, she decided to go for it. She said it was fine. It weirded me out.

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

July 30, 1944

The President of the United States
in the name of The Congress
takes pleasure in presenting the
Medal of Honor


Rank and Organization: Private, U.S. Marine Corps. Born: 24 October 1919, Herrin, Ill. Accredited To: Illinois.


For conspicuous gallantry and intrepidity at the risk of his life above and beyond the call of duty as a Browning Automatic Rifleman serving with the 1st Battalion, 23d Marines, 4th Marine Division, during the battle for enemy Japanese-held Tinian Island, Marianas Islands, 30 July 1944. As a member of a platoon assigned the mission of clearing the remaining Japanese troops from dugouts and pillboxes along a tree line, Pvt. Ozbourn, flanked by 2 men on either side, was moving forward to throw an armed hand grenade into a dugout when a terrific blast from the entrance severely wounded the 4 men and himself. Unable to throw the grenade into the dugout and with no place to hurl it without endangering the other men, Pvt. Ozbourn unhesitatingly grasped it close to his body and fell upon it, sacrificing his own life to absorb the full impact of the explosion, but saving his comrades. His great personal valor and unwavering loyalty reflect the highest credit upon Pvt. Ozbourn and the U.S. Naval Service. He gallantly gave his life for his country.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The Crying Game

Ms. Lachrymal: (sobbing) "I don't see how it's legal for you to arrest a pregnant woman."

Officer Cynical: "Well, the warrant doesn't say 'Arrest Ms. Lachrymal unless she's pregnant."

Ms. Lachrymal: (sobbing even harder) "Well, it should!"

Monday, July 28, 2014

No Sale

You moved out of town because you broke up with your boyfriend.

But for some reason you left your car with him.

Then, you sent a tow truck to pick up your car, but the tow truck driver told you the car isn't where you said it would be.

Then, your friend told you she saw it outside your now-ex-boyfriend's workplace.

So, now you want to make a stolen vehicle report with your now-ex-boyfriend as the suspect.

I guess I don't understand why you got screaming mad at me on the phone when I politely told you that no crime had been committed, insofar as I could tell, and I wasn't going to take a report.

You really need to learn to takes steps to help yourself, not throw yourself off a cliff and then call the cops to catch you on the way down.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Just Call Us For Absolutely Anything

Some true examples of recent calls that make me wonder what the fuck some people would do if something bad or illegal actually happened:

Grandpa calls because his grandson is biting himself and poking himself in the eye. The grandson is 3 years old.

Mr. Jackwagon calls because some kids are skateboarding in the skate park.

Ms. Cornfloater calls because she has one of those marquee trailers outside her dress design business, and overnight someone moved the letters around to spell out a bad word.

Mr. Turdblossom calls because his neighbor's car was vandalized about a year ago, and the neighbor has never cleaned up the broken windshield glass out of the street.

Ms. Douchnozzle calls because there is a dead bird on her porch.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman: Tentative Talk

Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman, gave this forecast for tomorrow:

"The potential for a severe storm remains a possibility."