Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Too Much Television

I'm sorry someone bumped into your car in the mall parking lot over a week ago. I do appreciate you taking the initiative to call mall security and ask them about video that might show the  responsible vehicle. It's too bad things happened too far away for the camera to pick up anything other than the fact that it was a white SUV that hit your car. But, NO, I can't take the video to our lab and have it enhanced so that the license plate number can be discerned. Please either switch channels to something other than CSI, or just turn your TV off altogether.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Nocturnal Intruders

Officer Cynical: "What seems to be the problem?"

Mrs. Capgras: "When I went to bed last night, all my appliances were plugged in."

Officer Cynical: "OK, but it looks like pretty much everything is still plugged in."

Mrs. Capgras: "I know, but when I woke up they were all plugged into different outlets."

Monday, October 20, 2014

Snow Removal

Here is the protocol for snow removal in my city:

Phase 1 - When a snow storm is anticipated, do nothing to prepare, even though road pretreatments are readily available and on-hand. Blame the cold temperatures for refusal to employ these treatments, but make no attempt to explain what the hell that's supposed to mean.

Phase 2 - Once the snow starts, do nothing, regardless of how impassable roads become.

Phase 3 - Once the snow stops, wait until it is compacted into a rock-hard layer before doing anything except spreading some sand and salt at a few intersections where accidents have already occurred.

Phase 4 - Scrape the compacted snow down to NHL-quality hockey rink ice. Ensure all previously placed sand and salt is also plowed away, and don't replace it. The police will call with the locations to replace sand and salt where more accidents occur.

Phase 5 - Move plows to residential streets, where homeowners have spent hours clearing their driveways. Plow up the compacted snow and hockey rink ice into bergs and floes the size of refrigerators. Ensure the bulk of these ice boulders are piled at the foot of peoples driveways, especially if the driveways themselves have been cleared by the homeowners, and in front of homeowners' mailboxes.

Phase 6 - Advise the US Postal Service of all the addresses where the mountains of snow and ice have been piled up in front of the mailboxes, so that the USPS can now refuse to deliver mail where the boxes are inaccessible.

Phase 7 - Make self-congratulatory announcements on the local news about how you're "on top of" the bad road conditions.

Friday, October 17, 2014

How To Get Busted In 4 Easy Steps

1. Overstay check-out time at Stickysheets Motel.

2. When staff comes to your room and asks you nicely to check out, slam the door in their faces.

3. When the police show up to throw you out, try to hide your bag of dope in your pocket....with a cop standing right-fucking-there watching you.

4. When asked by the cop what's in the bag, hand it over and make a smart-ass comment.

Enjoy the ride.

Thursday, October 16, 2014


Does this happen to everybody everywhere or just to me?

You're in a long line waiting to pay at the grocery store or whatever, and they open another register. The clerk calls out, "I can help somebody down here." Great.

And then the last freakin' person in your line runs over and is now the first person in the new line!  What - the - hell? If I'm next in line to get to the register in my line, that means I've been waiting the longest and should be the first person in the new line, right? But noooooooooooo! It's always that last asswipe in my line, who's been waiting the least amount of time, who runs over and is now at the head of the new line like the king of the whole goddam world.

I feel this is total bullshit and someone needs to do something about it.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

You Big Baby

You're 30 years old. You show up in court, not with your attorney, but with your dad, and you ask the judge if he can sit by you at the defense table.

 Following my testimony, you have no questions for me - you can't even look at me - but you ask the judge if you can make a statement. The judge allows it, and you spend five minutes telling him that you had a head injury years ago, and you just didn't realize that what you did was a crime. You also say it was because of your old head injury that you missed your original court date (and so I had to piss away half my off day sitting in court for nothing). And you go on to say that you're financially strapped, and you can't afford a fine.

Too bad you were found guilty. I actually was smiling as I left the courthouse. Then I went home and you didn't.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

Yes, I'm sure it's a mistake that my computer, which is directly connected to the state system, says that your driver's license is suspended. Never mind that you haven't had liability insurance since the Mesozoic Era, and you've had multiple warrant arrests for it just in the last year. Yes, I'm sure the judge will see it's a mistake and let you off. Yes, we're all as stupid as you are.