Thursday, July 2, 2015

Maybe It's Me

I was at the giant Walmart earlier. There was a pasty-faced, skeletal, heavily tattooed couple with three kids, shopping for groceries. I passed them maybe 5 times while I was in there, and the scene was the same each time. Mom was carrying the infant under her arm like a football, and it was screaming like its diaper was on fire. The boy, about 5, was standing up in the front of the shopping cart and yelling gibberish at the top of his lungs for no apparent reason. The girl, about 9, was curled up in the fetal position in the shopping cart and sucking her thumb. The parents didn't even seem to notice.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman: Over The Rainbow

Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman, has new weather maps on his web site. 35 of them. Really. "Areas of concern" are color-coded. And because absolutely everything weather-related is a concern around here, the maps look like a box of crayons. The big box. Here is just part of the map legend:

Red: Tornado
Yellow: Thunderstorm
Light Green: Flash Flood
Dark Green: Flood
Brown: Wind
Orange: Heat
Purple: Freeze
Light Pink: Fire Danger
Dark Pink: Frost
Gray: Fog
Light Blue: Significant Weather

And this is just for summer. Once winter hits, I anticipate that the entire visible spectrum will be represented.

My favorite is "Significant Weather". "Hey, there's gonna be a flash flood, a tornado, and some fires, then the significant weather is gonna start!"

Monday, June 29, 2015

The Coldest I've Ever Been

Once, on night shift, I got sent to an injury accident way in the south part of the city. It was the middle of winter, about 2AM, and blizzard conditions. Dispatch said the accident was between a car and a snow plow, but they had no other information. I arrived in the area, and couldn't see a damned thing. It was just a wall of white, horizontal snow.

As I was straining to find the accident scene through my side window, a face suddenly appeared through the snow, pressed up against the window glass. The face was cut to shreds and covered with blood. I jumped about a foot. I had found my accident.

It turned out the snow plow had run a stop sign at the end of a side street, and T-boned a car passing on a main drag. The plow blade had cut a huge hole in the side of the car, and shattered all the windows which carved up the occupants.

I got an ambulance en route and got out of my car. It struck me right away that it was pretty cold, but I had to get on with it. I quickly realized I couldn't keep my gloves off long enough to write more than a few lines on the accident report before I'd have to put them back on. Then, the ink in my pen froze. I had to return to my squad several times for fresh pens before I could get the bare essentials written down. My coat was nothing short of worthless. My hands and face were numb, and I was shivering hard.

A buddy arrived on scene with his new smart phone. He dialed in one of his apps, and gave me the weather report. The wind chill was -61 degrees F.

Thursday, June 25, 2015


I dealt with a guy today that has them all beat. We go to his house to take him in on a felony warrant. He barricades himself inside, screaming at the top of his lungs and raving about plots by his neighbors, his landlord, his girlfriend, his roommate, the police (Patrol), the police (Narcotics), the police (Investigations), the city prosecutor, the state prosecutor, his parole officer, and the jail staff. We finally knock his door off its hinges with a ram and take him into custody. Once at the jail, we take him to the booking desk. Guess what his main concern is? Whether he can get double portions of jail food if he behaves himself.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman: The Never-Ending Story

I can't help but beat this dead horse. I'm amazed at how so astounding wrong Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman, can be. As I write this, his online forecast states "100% Chance of Heavy Thunderstorms" with a big "!" in front of it. It is 82 degrees, and there is literally not a cloud in the sky that I can see from any window in my house. Two people on bikes just rode by, and my neighbor has his grill fired up.