Friday, May 29, 2015

The Clapper

Ms. Neisseria: "I want to file charges against my boyfriend."

Officer Cynical: "Did he assault you or something?"

Ms. Neisseria: "No, he gave me gonorrhea."

Officer Cynical: "OK. Did you know he had gonorrhea?"

Ms. Neisseria: "His other girlfriend told me she got it from him, but I didn't believe her."

Officer Cynical: "Well, I don't think there's been a crime committed here."

Ms. Neisseria: "But it's the second time I got it from him!"

Officer Cynical: "Public Health is just two blocks that way."

Thursday, May 28, 2015

You Make My Job Easy

If you've failed to register as a sex offender for so long that a warrant's been issued for your arrest, you probably shouldn't call the cops to complain about some other dumb crap. I run everybody I deal with, including the callers. You obviously didn't know that. The look on your face when I arrested you was priceless.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman: Mirror Images

Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman, forecast the precipitation probabilities for the past 3 days (including today) thusly: 100%, 80%, and 0%. It didn't rain a drop the first 2 days (the sun was even out yesterday). Today, as I look out the window, it is pouring rain with no end in sight. Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman, can come cut my foot-high grass for me, since I put it off until today due to the surety of rain on the previous two.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

You Never, Ever Know

Officer clocks 44-year-old woman at 60 mph in 35 mph zone, and attempts a traffic stop. Then, this:

Monday, May 25, 2015

Memorial Day, 2015

In 1944, my Dad returned from an 18-month tour in the Pacific Theater. He stayed in the Marine Corps until after VJ Day, and was discharged in late 1945. I joined the Marines because of him. He's been gone sine 2000. He is my Memorial Day.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

I'm Having Trouble Believing You

I was dispatched to one of our locked mental health facilities, because a female patient wanted to report an assault. She said another patient, Mr. Ambo, had chased her into her room, held her down with one hand, and grabbed her breast with the other.

I went to interview Mr. Ambo, only to find that he had been confined to a motorized wheelchair for years, could barely lift his head, and had one arm amputated at the shoulder.