Friday, July 11, 2014

Officers In Mirror Are Angrier Than They Appear

When you look into your rear view mirror and see a cop car screaming up behind you with its lights and siren going, here's what not to do:

- stay in the left lane and slow way down
- stay in the left lane and stop
- continue in the left lane until you come to a left-turn lane, then pull into that
- pull part way up onto the median strip
- continue into the next intersection and move slightly to one side so both lanes are blocked
- cross the center line and drive into oncoming traffic
- anything else other than immediately pull all the way over to the right and stop

I mean, isn't that driver's ed 101? What the hell.....!

Thursday, July 10, 2014


Dear Citizen:

I guess your neighbor was concerned about the stuff you put out for the trash the other day, because he called us about it.

FYI: Officer Sarcastic and I dumped out the 6 full bottles of booze so some kid didn't get into it. But there was no way either of us was going to touch the inflatable sex doll. She's probably at the landfill by now, unless she found a new boyfriend on the way.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Pants On Fire

One thing I never thought I'd be good at in this job is being able to tell when people are lying. I've taken lots of classes about interview and interrogation techniques, and learned some ways to detect deception, but those usually work best in controlled settings like an interview room. I almost never have that. But, I've found that I'm actually pretty good at picking up on lies and calling people on them.

The other day I did a traffic stop on a car, the registered owner of which had warrants. My first clue that something was amiss was that the driver took forever to pull over, and was reaching around inside the car. This is a huge red flag for cops.

The car finally stops and the female driver is twitching and bouncing around like she's tweaking. She has fresh needle tracks on the backs of both hands. I ask for her license.

Ms. Prince: "I don't have any ID with me. I was just on my way to my friend's house, and I left everything at home".

Officer Cynical: "So, you don't have anything on your person or in the car that has your name on it"?

Ms. Prince: "No, this is my sister's car. But she doesn't know I'm driving it, so don't call her, OK"?

Officer Cynical: "Sure. But what about that purse on the seat next to you? You don't have any ID in there"?

Ms. Prince: "No, that's my sister's purse".

Officer Cynical: "Why are you driving around in your sister's car with your sister's purse"?

Ms. Prince: "She must've left it on the seat, and I didn't notice it".

I ask for her name and birth date. She readily gives me a name, but I detect the slightest hesitation in reciting the DOB. It's fleeting, but it's there. So, I pull out the old standby:

Officer Cynical: "What's your Social Security number"?

Ms. Price: (momentary look of horror) "Oh, I never memorized that. My mom keeps all my important papers and stuff, and I just get the information from her when I need it".

Officer Cynical: "OK, let's review: You fit the physical description of the registered owner of this car, but the car actually belongs to your sister. You have a purse on the seat next to you, but that belongs to your sister. You're 21 years old, but you don't know your own SSN. And, you've clearly shot up within the last several hours, and you're under the influence of something right now. Does that about sum it up"?

Ms. Prince: "Yes".

I explain to the driver that: a) she's lying to me, b) I know she's lying to me, c) we are going to stay there until I figure out who she really is, and d) when I do find out who she is, she's going to have more trouble than just a couple of warrants. She does a pretty good imitation of being indignant for about 30 seconds, then caves and admits she is the registered owner of the car. She goes to jail for False Info to a Police Officer, Driving While Under Suspension, No Insurance, Failing to Give Way to an Emergency Vehicle. Oh, and those warrants. Don't lie to me. If you do, I will know. And I will break you.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014


Mrs. Cynical helped me set up a Twitter account today. I've always thought that Twitter was strictly for smart phone users. I have a dumb phone - one of those ones where you have to press the buttons about 400 times to text "Hi". But, hey, you can use Twitter on your laptop or desktop, so now I'm in!

I learned that I can see my own Twitters (Tweets?), and those of the people/entities I follow, and I can see Twits from other people/entities I don't follow when the people/entities I do follow re-Twat them. I can also get pseudo-Twainted via "Notification", which the people/entities I follow also can see, and by "Direct Messages", which they cannot.

And if I want to put a subject in my Twerps, I can precede the subject word with hashbrowns, although I don't know how one could possibly do that.

So, I have no idea what I'm going to do with this Twitter account, but I have one, so follow me or Twatter me or "Notification" me or "Direct Message" me, and I might respond if I can figure out how.



With Apologies to Thomas Edison

Before you change the light bulb in your clothes dryer, make sure you read the package that the new bulb comes in. Because when you screw a 12-V bulb into a 120-V socket, it does light up for a second.....followed by a loud bang and then darkness. And there were two bulbs in the package, so of course I did it, um, twice.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Fire, Fire, Run For Your Lives!

Hey, asswagon! I get it that the smoke alarms in your apartment building go off all the time for no apparent reason. But when they've been blaring for 20 minutes and there's an overpowering stench of smoke coming from the hallway, you might want to at least check it out. Don't just sit there watching TV while the entire top floor of your building burns up, and wait for me to come banging on your door and screaming at you to get out. At least get up off your ass and see what all the fuss is about. You're lucky you didn't wind up like your upstairs neighbor, who we had to haul out of there. He wound up at the coroner's office, doing his best impersonation of a well-done steak.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Happy 4th of July?

I'm in a particularly crappy part of town, questioning a suspect about a stolen car. It's 4th of July, and he's is at a party where pretty much everybody in the neighborhood is falling-down drunk. I have the suspect in the side yard of his house so we can talk in private.

Officer Cynical: "So, do you know anything about where this stolen car might be?"

BigFatGirl: (Staggering up to where we're standing) "Hey, that fucker who called you came over here and accused us of taking his fucking car! And right in front of my fucking kids! What the fuck are you gonna do about that?"

Officer Cynical: "Well, right now I'm just trying to get all the information about the case. Then we'll see."

BigFatGirl: (Wandering off in a serpentine fashion) "You really oughtta do something about that fucker, the way he was talking to us in front of my fucking kids!"

Officer Cynical: (Turning back to suspect) "So, anyway, do you know anything about where this stolen car might be?"

EmaciatedGirl: (Staggering up as BigFatGirl is leaving) "Hey, Officer! How about a hug for 4th of July?"

Officer Cynical: "Sorry, I don't hug on the job. Flu season, you know."

EmaciatedGirl: "Aw, come on, Officer! It's 4th of July and you remind me of my grandpa. I loved my grandpa."

Officer Cynical: "Gee, thanks. I'm sure your grandpa was a swell guy, but I don't hug drunk strangers while I'm working. Sorry."

EmaciatedGirl: (Weaving away) "That's fuckin' bullshit! My grandpa woulda hugged me."

Officer Cynical: (Turning back to suspect) "You know, I think I've got everything I need here. If I need anything else, I'll call you."