Monday, September 1, 2014

Another Reason I Love My Job

Today I was driving through a strip mall on my beat. It's an 'L' shaped affair, with a big parking lot.

Standing in the lot near the inside corner of the 'L', was a clean-up guy with one of those folding dust pans on the end of a long handle and a little broom. You know the deal - you lower the pan on the long handle and swat the garbage into it with the little broom.

The wind was blowing like crazy, causing a small tornado in the corner of the 'L'. And here's this poor SOB standing in the middle of this vortex, trying to knock the spiraling, airborne scraps of paper, leaves, drink cups, cigarette butts, and miscellaneous crap out of this twister and into the dust pan with his little broom. It looked like someone trying to herd a swarm of angry bees into shoe box.

I can only imagine what he must dream about at night.

Friday, August 29, 2014


I tracked down a couple of shoplifters today. The pair was passed out near a drainage ditch a couple blocks from the store. Laci was practically comatose from drugs and alcohol. Cody was also hammered and royally pissed off that I would dare detain him.

After a brief wrestling match, Cody got stuffed unceremoniously into the back seat of my squad car, where he proceeded to knock out a window with his head. Then, when he started crappie-flopping with fake seizures, he had to go to the ER.

In the exam room, he went totally ballistic, screaming and trying to fight all of us. At one point, I was holding down one arm, another cop was holding the other, Dr. St. Francis of Assisi was holding one leg, RN #1 was holding the other, and a security guard was holding his head.

Dr. St. Francis of Assisi gave Cody a stern, "You're not making very good choices right now." When that didn't work, RN #2 went into full MMA mode. He climbed completely up onto the gurney and buried his knee into Cody's thigh, presumably in an attempt to gain submission. It worked and it was awesome!

Finally, Cody went off to jail with a buttload of Zyprexa, unable to do much more than curse and drool.

Don't screw with RN #2!

Thursday, August 28, 2014


I get dispatched to investigate a "suspicious bag" by the side of the road. It supposedly has a severed human hand in it.

I find the bag and discover it actually contains an empty Big Mac box and a banana peel. Maybe it's me, but I don't see how either of those even remotely resembles a cut-off human hand.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

That's Why It's Called Being "Pulled Over"

I honestly appreciate your willingness to immediately stop when I attempt to pull you over for speeding. However, before you do so, it helps if you first actually pull over. As in to the side of the road.

When you just stop in the middle of road,  and sit there and wait until I get out of my squad and walk up and tell you to pull over, it puts both of us in danger. You know - just stopped there in the middle of all that traffic with people honking and cussing and barreling around us and stuff.

But I really do appreciate the thought.

Monday, August 25, 2014


Police Officers in most places have the authority to order driver's license retests on people whose driving skills the officer feels have declined enough to make them a safety concern. These are very thorough retests, and many people lose their driving privileges as a result. I have always used this authority very sparingly, because I don't want to needlessly jeopardize someone's freedom to get around on their own. A few instances come to mind:

An elderly woman who pulled out in front of a speeding ambulance with its lights and siren going, as I looked on in horror. The ambulance was miraculously able to swerve around her at the last second. She claimed she didn't see or hear the ambulance (one of those big box-shaped ones with like a million lights on it), so I thought she probably should get retested.

A diabetic guy who, in his third such incident, let his blood glucose get too low and hit three parked cars over about 8 blocks, then slammed full-speed into the back of a city bus that was stopped, discharging passengers. When I arrived, his car was on fire, he was conscious but unresponsive, and I had to bust his window and drag him out of the car. Retest.

Then there was the guy who rear-ended another car while speeding through a construction zone. He was pretty obviously impaired, but blew zeroes on my breath test. His sobriety tests were all over the map - some OK, some terrible. He claimed to have had a stroke the previous weekend, and was on a bunch of meds for that. He could have been telling me the truth - what do I know from strokes? BUT, he was a total fucking asshole about the whole thing, blaming the other driver for stopping too quickly, and just generally giving me a hard time. So, I didn't charge him with DWI, but wrote him for reckless driving. And, since he had that stroke and has to take so many meds that they cause him to crash into stuff and then be a total prick, RETEST. Have fun with that!

Friday, August 22, 2014

Full Speed Astern

Just using your rear-view camera doesn't really constitute "looking" before you back up.

How else do you explain the fact that you backed into another car, even though "no one was coming when I checked my monitor"?

Next time, try expending the 3 calories necessary to actually turn your head to the side and look, and maybe you'll see the oncoming traffic instead of just the 8 square feet directly behind you.