Monday, August 3, 2015

Coming Close

Last winter, I stopped a guy in a full-sized pickup. I knew his license was suspended, and that he had a minor local warrant. The streets were slippery with ice and compacted snow.

I exited my squad, and began to approach the driver's side window. When I got about halfway there, the guy suddenly floored it. He made this screaming, fishtailing, U-turn, and the next thing I know he's barreling right at me. There was nowhere for me to go, so I just stood there like a dumbass, screaming at him to stop. If I hadn't leaned backward as he went by me, his outside rearview mirror would've taken my head off. And lucky for me, the ass-end of the pickup was fishtailing away from me as he went by, or it probably would've killed me.

I was confident he'd head home, and sure enough his pickup was in the parking lot of his apartment building when I got there. I didn't need to call for back-up - cops were flying in when they heard me call it out on the radio. Several of us went up to his apartment, and of course he wouldn't come to the door.

Meanwhile, another officer was in the parking lot, and calling out on the radio that he could see the guy looking out the window. He compared the face looking out at him with the guy's mug shot, and reported it was one and the same. We were going in there one way or another, so I got a master key from the building manager.

I repeatedly tried the key. Every time I'd get it partway turned, the guy, who was obviously standing on the opposite side of the door, would turn the deadbolt knob the other way. Finally, a brainstorm. I carry a multitool on my duty belt. I got it out, put the pliers on the head of the key, and cranked it. Leverage is a beautiful thing. The door flew open, and three of us piled inside.

The guy went over on his ass as we barged in, but started fighting right away. He didn't stand a chance. I had the pleasure of hooking him up and dragging him to his feet. The guy looked me square in the eye and said, "I didn't try to run over you, you know." Of course not.

Months later, it went to trial. The DA contacted me and asked if I'd consider reducing the endangerment charge to a misdemeanor. I told him absolutely not. Ultimately, he pleaded guilty to all of it, and was sentenced to a year in jail.

I hope he rots in there.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Uplifting Bedtime Story

I get dispatched to a guy masturbating in front of a small neighborhood grocery. I get there, and sure enough there he is lying on his back on the grass just outside the store, playing punch-the-clown.

By the time I park and walk over to him, he's gotten to his feet and is now standing perfectly still with one hand covering his eyes. I ask him what the hell's going on, and he says he's talking to the wind. Well, of course you are. What is the wind saying? It's saying I murdered my two daughters. Oh, perfect.

The ambulance arrives to take Windtalker to the ER for his psych eval, and I go to his residence to check on the kids. Big surprise - it's one of our crappiest neighborhoods. The yard looks like a landfill. A woman comes to the door, sucking on a cigarette and sporting tattoos worth about 6 months of my pay. She tells me Windtalker is her ex-husband and father of her two kids. She has a restraining order out against him. She just got out of jail herself, and the kids are in custody with protective services.

Experience tells me that no one in this happy little family has hit rock-bottom yet, and I can only imagine where that will be.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman: We Interrupt This Program

Where I live, regularly scheduled programming is routinely interrupted whenever there is a cloud. It doesn't matter the severity of the weather, or where the weather is. Programs just stop without warning, and we then see Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman, standing behind a desk, staring into a computer monitor, with an expression on his face like he just stuck his finger in a light socket. Then he proceeds to describe every law of physics that applies to the weather that is occurring somewhere, and shows weather radar maps enlarged so much that you can see individual pixels.

This evening it happened again. There is a completely blue sky, and there hasn't been a drop of rain or strong wind in a week. However, my program suddenly stops, and there is Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman, wearing (I swear I'm not making this up) a gold shirt, brown and black checkered tie, and black and purple suspenders. No sport coat. And no fright wig, clown nose, or great big shoes.

He shows us a view from a "towercam" on the edge of town. There, in the next county, is a cloud. Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman, then says that they just want people to see this, they don't anticipate any severe weather from it, and they won't be updating us unless "things change".

My program finally comes back on. Mrs. Cynical manages to wrestle the gun from my hand before I put a bullet through my head.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

See You In Court

Parents are suing the PD for excessive force, because a cop shot at their kid as he ran over him. No word on whether the PD will sue the parents for raising a nitwit child who would run over a cop. Special thanks to all the citizens who just watched while the cop lay injured in the street.


Monday, July 27, 2015

Dinner Bell

When I worked night shift, about half-way through the night a few of us would to meet at this pancake house for whatever meal you would call that. One night, I pulled my squad into a parking space a few rows back from the front of the place.

As I pulled into the space, I noticed that the guy in the driver's seat of the car next to me had his head back on the headrest, and his eyes closed. At that time of the morning, I figured he was passed-out drunk, so I walked over to check on him.

The driver's side window was open. I looked inside, only to see that he had no pants on and what appeared to be baby oil all over his hands. And elsewhere.

It turned out he wasn't asleep after all - just relaxing after his adventure. He was more than surprised to see a cop standing there when he opened his eyes. He proceeded to tell me he was waiting for some friends. No, he wasn't doing anything other than waiting, and his pants were off because he was hot. He had no explanation for the baby oil all over the place.

My partner was a little unhappy when I radioed him to come outside and help me deal with the guy. He had to leave his plate of pancakes behind to get cold.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Bad Mom

So, you don't live at this apartment complex, but you bring your kids over here to use their pool. The building manager asks you three times to leave, but you refuse. The manager finally tells you to get the hell out of his pool and don't come back, and you call the cops on him for using the word "hell" in front of your kids. I don't know, but I think he's probably the better role model.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

If You Don't Know, How Should I?

I don't care if you want to turn yourself in. You don't have any warrants anywhere, and no one here is looking for you for anything. I understand that you "want to clear this mess up", but I'm clueless as to what the mess is. No, I can't take you into custody. No, I have no idea why the FBI or the CIA might be looking for you. Why don't you call them up and ask? Here's their numbers.