Monday, March 30, 2015

Knock, Knock

One of the things I teach my trainees is how to serve arrest warrants. I keep tabs on who on my beat has felony-level warrants, and try to make the time to at least make an attempt to locate them. Now, most often the address we have for the wanted person is no good anymore - they've hightailed it a long time ago. But sometimes we get lucky.

One night, a trainee and I went looking for a guy who had federal drug warrants. I briefed my trainee on who we're looking for, we checked his mug shot out on the MDC, and headed to his address of record. I totally expected it to be an exercise in futility.

My trainee knocks on the apartment door, and.....the wanted guy opens it. So, now there's three of us standing there looking dumbfounded. I snap out of it and ask the guy to come out in the hallway to talk to me, and he does. As soon as he does, we put the grabbus on him and get him cuffed. His girlfriend is inside the apartment is screaming at us that how dare we come to her home and arrest her man in front of all the kids. The guy is going bananas, screaming that he's never done anything wrong in his whole life, and the whole thing is a  misunderstanding, and blah, blah, blah. We get the hell out of there and our boy goes to jail.

If you don't swing the bat, you don't get a hit.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Debtors' Prison

No, you're mistaken: it's not harassment when your former landlord, to whom you admit you owe money:

- calls you at home, demanding his money
- calls you at work, demanding his money
- calls your friends, neighbors, and relatives, trying to locate you so he can collect his money
- files a civil suit to collect his money
- tries to serve civil papers on you at home
- tries to serve civil papers on you at work

Hey, here's a thought: You have a pretty good job. Pay the guy what you owe him, and I'm betting he'll leave you alone. Don't call me because you don't pay your bills and your debtors don't like it.

Thursday, March 26, 2015


Yo, Boy Genius: If you're going to spray graffiti all over town, you might want to change your m.o. once in a while. I say that because when we caught you in the act today, it was easy to pin the countless other incidents of mindless vandalism all on you, because you spray-painted exactly the same stupid word and the same stupid logo every freakin' time. I'm glad I'm not the one who will get the five-figure clean-up bill.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Meet The Flintstones

ROSEVILLE, Mich. — A police video camera captured images of a 24-year-old Detroit-area man who tried using his feet to stop a runaway pickup truck with faulty brakes and caused multiple collisions, exhibiting "moronic decision making," a Roseville police official said Thursday.

Video posted by The Macomb Daily of Mount Clemens shows a patrol car following the truck until it stopped. After the vehicle's brakes failed on a busy street in Roseville, about two miles north of Detroit, the man continued driving and stuck his feet outside the car to stop it, Roseville Deputy Police Chief James Berlin said. Witnesses said the man reached speeds of about 40 mph and was able to stop the car on at least two occasions. The car eventually struck four vehicles.

"This guy's no rocket scientist," Berlin said. "Citizens were calling in saying this guy is all over the road, using his feet." He struck two vehicles after being unable to stop at a red light, and continued on. An officer who pulled next to the man's car told him to shift into "park," but that didn't work and he rolled into two other vehicles before the car stopped. "He said he was going to fix the brakes when he got home," Berlin said.

He was arrested for driving on a suspended license and reckless driving. The man is scheduled "to explain his moronic decision making" during a court hearing next month, Berlin said.

Monday, March 23, 2015

It Looked Like Something

Airport security calls 911 and says they have a guy detained who has a gun in his carry-on luggage. The whole shift is doing 1,000 mph to get there before we make the national news. I go up to their little secure area, where a guard meets me at the door. He takes me back to their super-secret, James Bond, CIA-type room where they're holding this guy. Never mind, they tell me, it's not a gun. It's a cigarette lighter.

You couldn't figure that out before you called me? You couldn't bother to call and cancel me once you did figure it out?

Friday, March 20, 2015

You Kids Get Off My Lawn!

A few years ago, we had a natural disaster that made the national news. Crews from all over came here to report on it. We were working 12-hour shifts with no days off, and everyone was exhausted.

One day I found a national news crew set up in "the forbidden zone". There were actually a couple of reporters sitting at a makeshift desk, with lights and microphones and cameras - the whole nine yards.

This was an area that wasn't safe, and that had to be readily accessible to emergency personnel at all times.So that I didn't make some monumental political error (which I'm prone to do), I contacted my supervisor and asked what he wanted me to do. He told me in no uncertain terms to get them out of there. Right. Now.

So, I just walked up to this bunch and told them they had to pack there stuff and clear out. They looked stunned. One of them said, "But we're live right now!" I, in one of the best lines I've ever delivered as a cop, said, "And so am I. Now leave or you're all going to jail."

They packed up their crap and moved. I never heard a word about it.