Friday, October 31, 2014

Hands Off

I understand that you're appreciative of my efforts on your behalf. But after I've taken about the third giant step backward to get you to stop putting your hand on my arm, you really ought to get a hint. Between my job and Mrs. Cynical, I have a pretty good thing going. And even if I didn't think you were physically and psychologically abhorrent, I wouldn't take the chance of blowing it. Next time you're feeling that overheated, call the fire department and ask them to hose you off.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Nope, Not Going There

Dispatch: "Officer Cynical, check on a group of suspicious black males walking down the street in the vicinity of 3rd and Elm."

Officer Cynical: "What are they doing that's suspicious?"

Dispatch: "They're just walking down the street and the caller feels that's suspicious."

Officer Cynical: "10-8."

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Some Days...

... THIS plays in my head all day long.


1 suicidal female
1 suicidal male
1 drunk male complaining about the quality of a pizza
1 shooting
0 lunch

Monday, October 27, 2014

High Drama

I've come to the conclusion that about 80% of the population lives for nothing but drama. This usually manifests itself as conflict (with family, spouses, exes, neighbors, business owners, etc.) or hysteria - often both. These people are simply not happy, I've come to realize, unless they're having a beef with someone over something. The bigger the conflict, the better. And what better way to heighten conflict than to get the cops involved. Toss in some alcohol and/or drugs - even better.

Here's a real scenario from the other day:

He and she lived together for a year and broke up a month ago. They have at least one kid together. I don't know where he lives, but she lives in a shithole apartment with four kids and no job. She does have the prerequisite tats, cigarettes, and booze in abundance at home, however.

His mom hates her, and is constantly calling/texting/Facebooking inflammatory crap to her, and goading him into also hassling her in various ways.

As an aside, let me say that if Facebook were a building, I would wish to see it burnt to the ground for all the bullshit it drags cops into. I wouldn't Facebook if my life depended on it. But I digress....

This trio gets into its latest bullshit drama, and he calls the cops. He says she's "hysterical" and "has PTSD", and he's worried about the kids. He wants us to check on them. OK.

I go see her, and she's as calm and rational as she can be, given the circumstances. The kids are miraculously clean and well-fed, albeit the crappy apartment. She says his mom won't leave her alone since she broke up with him, and mom is getting him all worked up on a regular basis, and then he calls and they argue and then he calls the cops.

I get the hell out of there.

When I call him, he's highly indignant that I don't see things his (and his mommy's) way. He regurgitates another series of accusations about her that are both irrelevant to the current situation and impossible for me to follow up on. Later, he calls my supervisor and bitches that I didn't do enough to satisfy him. My boss tells him that it's not the cops' job to side with him in his petty domestic sob story.

You wouldn't believe me if I told you how often people try to bamboozle the cops into getting involved in their petty, pathetic, juvenile beefs with other people - usually an ex, and especially if the ex has their kid(s). They accuse one another of all kinds of crimes as a way of digging at each other, and we're expected to sort it out.

I have some unfortunate news for you: I'm not here to provide you with tissues because your girlfriend broke up with you and you're upset about it and you think the best way to get her back is to harass the shit out of her until she sees the light. Grow up. Be a man. Get on with your life.

Friday, October 24, 2014


I went to two - count 'em - two physical domestics today. In both cases, we were absolutely sure that the male half had knocked around the female half, but neither female would tell us that, and neither female had any visible injuries. In short, we couldn't do a damned thing other than take a report.

The first guy was half in the bag, and kept glaring at the female. Even after we separated them, all she would say was that "something happened" - nothing more. When I pressed her for details, she just stood mute, shaking her head.

The second guy was this big ape with a bunch of military crap hanging on the wall and tattoos all over his arms and stuff. He just sat there, watching TV, while we tried to sort it out, with his jaws all clenched like maybe we'd be intimidated or something. Fail.

The funny thing is, as big and tough as these guys are, they never want to take on a cop. That's because they're basically great big pussies - total losers who are taking their frustrations for being such total losers out on someone who can't fight back. Try me once, junior. I'll tune you up like a cheap rental car. Asswipe.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman: Ageism

"Old timers will remember that the last storm this severe was back in 1993."

Old timers? What are you, 12?