Monday, October 13, 2014


I swear I'm not making this up:

Two cops get sent to a "disturbance" this morning. Sadly, I was one of the two.

The apartment is occupied by Male 1 and Female 1, who are married, and Male 2. Due to the inevitable "language barrier", it's not clear how this arrangement came to be.

Male 1 is screaming his head off at Male 2. It turns out, this is because Male 2 is keeping his recumbent exercise bike in his own bathroom. Male 2 says his bedroom is too small (I look in there and he's right, because he has a California King stuffed into an 8' x 10' space), and he doesn't want to keep it in the living room (which is almost completely devoid of any furniture), because "it doesn't belong there".

My partner and I refrain from opening fire on all three, and ask Male 1 why he cares if Male 2 keeps his recumbent bike in his own bathroom. Male 1 says it's because his wife, Female 1, is pregnant and she throws up in their bathroom, so he has to use Male 2's bathroom. We helpfully point out that once Female 1 is done throwing up, they can flush it down the shitter and be done with it. Male 1 says that's not acceptable because of the smell. He has to use Male 2's bathroom because his bathroom stinks too much from her vomit.

I finally snap and tell them this is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Three grown adults arguing over a recumbent bike in a bathroom. I tell them to either work it out, or somebody can move. If they need a referee, call the building manager or an interior decorator. This is the furthest thing on the planet from police work, and I'm leaving.

Male 1 storms off to talk to the manager. As I burn out of the parking lot in my squad car, I see Male 1 returning from the office, building manager in tow. Poor fucker.

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