Thursday, May 7, 2015

Another Conversation From Hell

I get dispatched to my millionth hit-and-run in the parking lot of a shitty motel. The caller has a small scratch in the side of his car, and wants a police report.

Officer Cynical: "I can certainly do a report for you, sir. But just so you understand, all it will have on it is your own registration and insurance information."

Mr. Bitterpill: "Well, I called my insurance company already, and they said to get a police report."

Officer Cynical: "OK, no problem, but your insurance should cover you without a report with damage this minor."

Mr. Bitterpill: "No, I want a report. My insurance company demands a report."

Officer Cynical: "OK."

I go back to my squad car to do the paperwork. Mr. Bitterpill follows me and stands outside my window, looking in.

Officer Cynical: (rolls down window 2 inches) "This will just take a few minutes. You can go back to your car and wait."

Mr. Bitterpill: "I already checked with the hotel; they said there are no security cameras covering the parking lot. So, how are you going to solve this?"

Officer Cynical: "Well, the truth is I probably won't. I'll take the report and ask the desk clerk if he saw or heard anything, but that's about all I can do."

Mr. Bitterpill: "I saw a suspicious truck parked at the other end of the lot last night."

Officer Cynical: "Did you see it anywhere near your car?"

Mr. Bitterpill: "No, But it was suspicious-looking. It was an odd color. Maybe you can track that down."

Officer Cynical: "If you didn't see it near your car, there's no reason to think it was the vehicle that hit it. And I'd need more than "an odd color" before I could even find it. And if I did find it, I'd need way more than that before I'd accuse anybody of a hit-and-run."

Mr. Bitterpill: "Couldn't you examine my car more closely for transfer paint and check it that way?"

Officer Cynical: "There is no transfer paint. There's barely a scratch. Here's your copy of the report. There's nothing else I can offer you, and I have other calls waiting. Have a nice day."

Mr. Bitterpill: "I know you could solve this if you just cared more."

1 comment:

Carolyn said...

This reminds me so much of the part in The Big Lebowski when his car is stolen from the bowling alley ... when they find it and he goes to pick it up he asks if the police have any "leads" and the cop at the impound yard nearly has a stroke laughing and teasing about putting on extra shifts just to look for his car.