Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Childhood Fear of Hospitals Validated Yet Again

So, last winter this knucklehead decides to flee on foot from me during a traffic stop. He runs into this department store, with me right behind him. He cuts to the right and I try to do the same, but both my feet slip ceilingwards and I hit like a ton of bricks on my ass. I get up and manage to catch this dickwad, and haul his ass to where he needs to go.

Two days later, I have this shooting pain from my butt, down the back of my leg, and into my foot. After months of PT, X-rays, MRIs, CT scans, and every other thing they can think of, they decide an EMG is in order. No problem. How bad can it be?

Let me educate you. It hurt like a motherfucker! The first part was a series of electric shocks up and down my foot and leg, while the technicians gazed intently at a computer screen full of jagged lines. No fun, but not a big deal. Then, Dr. Mengele comes in with the needle. A big needle. Like a knitting needle, but connected to a 10,000 volt generator. He starts by sticking this needle into my shin, and continues to stick it in every inch or so around to my calf and all the way up to my ass. I'm thinking to myself: "This can't be right! Nothing in modern medicine is supposed to hurt like this!" I tore the sheet on the exam table almost in half, and taught Dr. Mengele curse words that even I've never heard before. It was all I could do not to rip the needle out of his hand, stick it in his eye, and run for my car. It was a nightmare.

When it was all over, his diagnosis was - and I swear I'm not making this up - that I had a sciatic nerve injury from a fall. He said the injury was "in this area" (pointing to where I'd hit on my ass). I refrained from punching him in the throat, and just said "No kidding?". I took the rest of the day off and went home.

11 comments:

Don said...

that doesn't sound like any fun at all.

Carolyn said...

Officer Cynical, I've been through some heinous medical procedures, but the EMG ranks right up there among the worst - I am so sorry you had to go through that. The only justice is that you caught the scumbag you were chasing!

migraineur said...

Yeouch! I've had an emg, but mine wasn't like that at all. I am a needle phobe, so was really panicky at the thought of multiple needle sticks. My needle was about the size of an insulin syringe, and there were places I honestly never felt the needle.

Now my primary care physician did a version with stick on sensors. I do NOT recommend it. It was August, so I was sweaty, and instead of sending the shock through the muscle, it went across my skin. That was like repeatedly sticking your finger into a live light socket.

Hope you're feeling better soon!

lbparker said...

You think THAT hurt, just wait til you get the bill!

Anonymous said...

Don't carry your wallet in your back pocket. It really helped me when I started carrying mine in a shirt pocket.

Grumpy, M.D. said...

You deserved it after pulling me over for erratic driving. And then ignoring the fact that my breathalyzer was ONLY 0.275 (well within the range of normal in some parts of the country). And then you mistook the plants that I was going to use for, uh, artisanal rope, that I had in the trunk, for some sort of illicit drug. Not to mention the fact that I'm sure you planted that new January, 2015 issue of "Nuns and Nazis" in my glove compartment.

Anonymous said...

I've had the EMG done twice. Both times it hurt like a mother--. I don't know how much of it is the test itself, and how much is the fact that they're sending electricity into damaged body parts - surely a really pain-inducing thing, right? Like, psychopaths would get a book on how to do that for Christmas.

Next time a doc tells me they're ordering an EMG for me, I'm going to want to "accidentally" kick them. But I won't be able to, because I love my neurologist, and I wouldn't want anyone to do that to Dr. Grumpy.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your pain and can empathize. I once had an epidural for sciatic nerve pain caused by a slipping vertebra, and it caused excruciating pain—easily the worst ever. It felt like my leg was filled with boiling lava. Unfortunately, the procedure didn’t result in any relief, and I ended up with a spinal fusion (which did). I’m glad you were able to apprehend the knucklehead. –Queen Anne’s Lace

BluenotesBb said...

NOPE.....

MDaisy said...

Isn't modern medicine grand? Hope you are feeling better.

clairesmum said...

UGH! Shame on your healthcare providers for not clearly explaining the risks/benefits of the test and the actual process in language you can understand. Anything that would make the test less painful would also make the results meaningless. Hope the pain is gone...or almost gone......