On my department, I was known for my ability to tell when a driver was operating a vehicle with a suspended license. Many officers asked me how I did it. Here, for the first time, I'm publishing my super-secret algorithm to detect suspended drivers.
It is based on 20 vehicle characteristics, each graded on a scale of 0 to 5. The total score is equal to the percent likelihood that the driver is suspended/revoked/cancelled, or simply has no license to begin with.
Car Make/Model - Ford Taurus, Chevy Blazer/GMC Jimmy, Pontiac Grand Am/Grand Prix automatically score 5. Bonus point for Olds Alero.
Car Color - Red scores 5. Dark green and dark blue score 4. Black and white score 3.
Cracked Windows - Score 1 for each, up to 5.
Tin Foil Windows - Score 1 for each, up to 5. Bonus point if the windshield is tin foil.
Duct Tape Windows - Score 1 for each, up to 5. Bonus point if the windshield is duct tape.
Cardboard Windows - Score 1 for each, up to 5. Bonus point if the windshield is cardboard.
Missing Hubcaps - Score 1.25 for each.
Different Sized Tires - Score 1.25 for each.
Mini Spare Tires - Score 1.25 for each. Bonus point if 2 on 1 side, none on the other.
Rusted Body Panels - Score 1 for each, up to 5.
Different Colored Body Panels - Score 1 for each, up to 5. Bonus point if no 2 body panels are the same color.
Primer-Only Body Panels - Score 1 for each, up to 5. Bonus point if entire care is primer-only.
Age of Car vs. Age of License Plate - Subtract the year the license plate was issued from the year the car was manufactured. If the difference is greater than 15, score 5. Greater than 12 score 4, Greater than 10 score 3.
Exhaust Volume - Score 0 to 5, based on your level of annoyance.
Ground-to-Undercarriage Distance (rear only) - If equal to the distance in the front of the car, score 0. Score 1 for each 2 inches the rear of the car is closer to the ground than the front.
Detritus Depth - Score 1 for each inch of trash or other items that is visible above the bottom margin of any window. Bonus point if trash is above the top margin of any window.
Inoperative Lights - Score 1 for each, up to 5.
Red tape Taillights - Score 1 for each, up to 5.
Antenna - Score 2 if bent (3 if bend is 90 degrees or greater), 4 if none present, 5 if a coat hanger.
2 comments:
In the olden days, if you treated your horse badly, it died. Now its just a machine. I call them farting machines, for the so many ones without mufflers.
You forgot "plastic/trash bag window" - bonus point if the windshield is a black plastic trash bag.
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