I don't know how it is where you live, but here in Cynicalville we are constantly on alert for weather. Inevitably, the first local news story on the radio and TV is about weather. Good weather. Bad weather. Even when it's nowhere near us, and not headed our direction, really bad weather drives us into bomb shelters and fruit cellars. In the ten minutes it takes me to drive to work, there are three weather forecasts, all on the same radio station. But it's at home, watching TV, that the real drama happens.
It never fails. I'm watching a really good show on TV. The bad guy is about to off the good guy, when suddenly Strunk White, Idiot Weatherman, interrupts with a "this just in" weather bulletin. As he comes on the air, his wardrobe is askew, his hair is messy, and he has an expression on his face that makes me think flying saucers have just landed on the White House lawn.
Strunk White: "This just in from the Channel 19 Weather Panic Button Center: The National Weather Service has issued a patchy fog watch in Cynical County. This means that there's a 17 to 31 per cent chance that some patchy fog will be forming in Cynical County in the next two hours. The patchy fog is expected to form on the northern border of Cynical County and will be moving north throughout the evening, so there is zero chance of it actually affecting Cynicalville. But Channel 19 wants to be firstest with the mostest, and scare the shit out of you, even when there's no possibility that the weather will actually affect anyone within our viewing area. So, stay tuned to Channel 19 for Panic Button Center updates as we get more information. Now back to our regularly scheduled program."
My program comes back on the air, but now the murder and half the investigation are over, and I have no idea what's going on. No matter. Now the TV screen switches to a map of Cynicalville and the surrounding 18 states. There is a red lightning bolt flashing way off to the side of the screen, perhaps somewhere near the Ukraine. The audio becomes a skin-peeling intermittent shriek, not unlike the crash dive klaxon on a WWII submarine.
Officer Cynical: "Oh, Christ! We must really be in for it. Are the lawn chairs and the dogs tied down?"
Mrs. Cynical: "Yes, but isn't that flashing lightning way over in, like, another hemisphere?"
Officer Cynical: "It would appear so, but here comes Strunk White, Idiot Weatherma,n to tell us, so let's shut up and listen."
Strunk White appears again. Now his clothing is so disheveled it appears he's been running a triathlon in a hurricane. His hair is standing on end, and his facial expression now makes me think that the Earth has split open just down the street from my house, and shrieking, fire-breathing demons from hell are shooting up out of the ground.
Strunk White: "This just in from the Channel 19 Weather Panic Button Center: That patchy fog watch in Cynical County has been upgraded by the National Weather Service, who just looked out their windows, to a patchy fog warning! That means that conditions are right for patchy fog to form, and patchily fog up stuff. Channel 19 and the National Weather Service recommend that if you absolutely must look at something off in the distance, and you find you're having difficulty seeing it, you should shift your head a few inches to one side in order to see around the patchy fog. Failure to do that could result in your inability to clearly see whatever you're looking at. As we said earlier, this patchy fog, which now has a 32 to 49 percent chance of forming, is well away from our viewing area, and headed away from us. Please make sure you take the appropriate precautions. Now back to our regularly scheduled program."
I turn off the TV and get out a book. I want to turn the page, but I'm afraid Strunk White might be hiding there.
